CHAPTER 1: DIVORCE - A WINDOW INTO PERSONALITY
Relationships do not mysteriously die. Individuals may spend years
or even lifetimes trying to understand how their lives have been
shaped by the questionable interpersonal motives of others. This
book demystifies this prolonged maturational task by clearly defining
maladaptive personality that threatens marital stability and prolongs
recovering from painful relationships.
It is difficult to recover from misunderstood relationships when
individuals over or underestimate what they know about life. Naïve
and fictional accounts of reality have ties to needless domestic
aggression and lingering mystery in disordered relationships.
Trying to understand the personality that binds loyal and disordered
relationships can be a painful and tortuous journey. The drive to
examine the health of one’s relationships is a normal maturational
task in adulthood fraught with varying degrees of misunderstood
This confounding resistance is shaped by personality. The evolutionary
challenges associated with understanding the maladaptive dynamics
of personality seem to have been forgotten as we appreciate modern
advances in medicine and technology.
Even though science has progressed, modern reasoning will always
be plagued by mythological and other maladaptive thinking. For example,
years after landing on the moon, medicine was still thinking that
women had some unique immunity from heart disease. Medicine has
recently adapted by altering this maladaptive reasoning. However,
in disordered relationships and chaotic divorces, mythological accounts
of reality never become extinct.
Personality is one of the most fictionalized and misunderstood
forces of human nature. History and divorce are shaped by the predominance
of either adaptive or maladaptive personality. Within disordered
relationships you find elements of complacency, submission, fear
and propaganda; forces in human nature that prevent cultures from
evolving. This list illustrates the prevalence of maladaptive functioning
throughout the evolution of humanity.
Individuals commonly spend years trying to separate fact from fiction
when they examine the integrity of their marriages, family ties,
premarital anxiety, past partners, trying events, etc. Separating
fact from fiction is often a futile task since many naïve adults
are distracted by the literal features of what partners say or do.
These diversions keep naïve individuals from accepting the
premise that individuals frequently disguise their interpersonal
motives in all disordered relationships.
Since maladaptive interpersonal motives are primarily private or
disguised; divorce is a rare challenge in life that threatens their
sanctuary. Naïve adults usually underestimate the premise that
many adults are highly motivated to take their secrets, fears and
questionable interpersonal motives to their graves. Maturing adults
find it very difficult to accept the reality that loved ones with
questionable interpersonal motives thrive upon fictionalizing their
own personality and the health of their social ties.
Many individuals want to get married, yet later they may vigorously
resist having their interpersonal motives scrutinized by others.
Mysterious or charismatic partners may be quite appealing, but their
ability to face the maturational demands of marriage and divorce
is commonly overestimated.
Even though the divorce rate is high today, adults have been abusing
the institution of marriage throughout history. Individuals with
maladaptive personality are proficient in terms of hiding or disguising
their ulterior motives that shape all of their relationships. Similar
dynamics are found among politicians who carefully avoid questions
that may challenge their adult competency or vocational motives.
What many of these politicians fail to understand is that citizens
in healthy cultures are attracted to leaders who effectively manage
all sorts of inquiries. The main point involves the universal dynamic
that interpersonal needs are not hidden or disguised in healthy
relationships and courageous leadership.
Varying motives found in divorce are universal phenomena found
in all other trying events and relationships. Understanding adaptive
and maladaptive personality requires time. It helps to remember
that writers and producers spend years creating movies that accurately
portray recurrent themes of dark personality.
You may have heard the old saying, “You never get to know
someone until you live with them.” There is some validity
to this point of view, but this psychological wisdom can be exceedingly
hollow. In order to increase one’s objective day-to-day understanding
of personality and human nature, consider the following: “You
don’t get to know someone until you ask them for a divorce
or they divorce you.” The same principle applies regarding,
“You don’t get to know someone until you try to salvage
a failing relationship.”
DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. & SOCIAL DECAY
In terms of understanding character, many Americans may not know
that Dr. King was encouraging individuals to increase the accuracy
of their interpersonal judgments. This adaptive demand commonly
challenges the stability of disordered relationships and maladaptive
reasoning. Adults truly differ in terms of how they perceive reality
and the health of their social ties. This discrepancy is a function
of personality, not intelligence.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. challenged all Americans to bypass
demographics when judging character. He was trying to increase social
and adult competency by improving the accuracy of social judgments.
He may have underestimated the generational stability of bias within
maladaptive personality. This bias or predisposition is found among
individuals who find sanctuary and malignant opportunity when they
misjudge character or reality.
Assassinating the character of someone when a relationship dies
is quite similar to destroying the character and restricting the
adaptive potential of Black Americans before the 1970’s. These
dynamics are found in every hostile divorce in America today. I
think Dr. King would also be disappointed with the character assassination
you find today in low level politics and journalism. Character assassination
is an addictive form of immediate gratification that precludes adaptive
curiosity and higher order leadership.
Self absorbed adults often behave as if they are the only person
who has ever had to face the maturational challenges of divorce.
Their delusional reasoning blocks remorse which makes it easier
for them to harm their family members. Their special immunity from
having to manage the maturational demands of divorce is also reinforced
by their delusional (false) reasoning. This false reasoning helps
adults stabilize their elite perceptions regarding how life should
Maladaptive reasoning stabilizes illegitimate blame and character
assassination. Misjudging character or personality has always stabilized
segregation and failing marriages. Racism, in terms of personality,
is an active or passive malignant control of ideas and people. These
dynamics plague all disordered or questionable relationships. Many
good parents have been divided from their children after having
their character destroyed by an ex-spouse.
Many individuals may not understand that domestic cowardice has
links to needless aggression and rigid distortions of reality. Throughout
history, it has oppressed the adaptive potential of spouses and
citizens. In every facet of maladaptive personality, you will find
elements of domestic cowardice.
Domestic cowardice is a spectrum of maladaptive personality where
you find needless aggression, questionable leadership, fictionalized
reality and disturbed loyalties. Raising children to hate America,
Israel and other Western cultures is an example of domestic cowardice.
Similar dynamics are found in hostile divorces when spouses brainwash
children into disliking or not trusting their healthier parent.