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CHAPTER 21: SAYING GOODBYE

In life we are constantly saying goodbye to things, places, animals, friends, family members, our youth and our time on earth. With adult maturation, we say goodbye to those we have loved and goodbye to those who have betrayed us. Saying goodbye to one’s marriage is now a very common maturational challenge in adulthood.

Many adults can deal with most of the above goodbyes, but fail to manage the maturational demands of divorce. For these adults, saying goodbye to a significant relationship means manufacturing elevated levels of needless chaos, confusion and aggression.

Divorce is very common today and its percentages will likely increase in the future. Our culture should normalize the value of embracing honor during this common, yet misunderstood transitional crisis. If we can normalize environmental regard and the end to segregation, there is hope that we can find more mature ways to manage divorce.

HOMICIDE

Some adults fail to surrender to their emotional pain when their relationships end. This immature avoidance increases their odds of acting out against others. Needlessly acting out impedes adult maturation; while surrendering and grieving one’s losses promote it. Remember, divorce is a psychological stress test which brings one’s core personality agenda to the surface.

For some adults, it may be easier to murder their spouse which helps them avoid the prolonged grieving commonly associated with the death of one’s marriage. This avoidance of prolonged psychological discomfort is a form of narcissistic self indulgence and immediate gratification. For some adults, it is much easier to bury a spouse or a child rather than work through the maturational demands of their divorce.

Killing one’s spouse is also a form of psychological certainty. Homicide makes it certain that the spouse who wants out of the marriage will never have the opportunity to experience liberty and higher order intimacy. Terrorists and spouses who harm their family members in divorce are much more alike than different. Both groups despise the liberties and freedoms inherent in our culture. Spouses who vehemently oppose being divorced say goodbye with needless aggression which helps them avoid having to experience prolonged periods of psychological discomfort and introspection.

PSYCHOLOGY OF NEEDLESS AGGRESSION IS UNIVERSAL

Timothy McVeigh assuredly experienced certain aspects of divorce when he was not accepted in a special military program. Instead of adjusting to this loss, he resorted to domestic terrorism. His acting out parallels other entitled brutality that you will find in all aspects of life. Our DNA makes terrorists, both home grown and foreign, much more alike than different. This is one reason our founding fathers were suspicious of individual will, i.e. Timothy McVeigh and group will, i.e. our own Civil War.

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Instincts, anxiety and depression can be valuable clues that help adults mature and self correct. However, if an adult cannot access their instincts and examine their troubled mood, they are more likely to marry for the wrong reasons. External and internal pressures may be so intense that fiancées cave in and just hope for the best.

Some aspects of premarital psychology and pre-election maladaptive rhetoric have similar dynamics. Both endorse the belief, “You say what you have to say” or “You avoid what you have to avoid” in order to get elected or married. Serious issues and conflicts are to be avoided. What an elected official does during their term may be just as mysterious as what spouses do when married.

Both politicians and spouses may avoid issues that are too controversial. Addressing conflict head on and talking about possible solutions may keep a politician from getting elected. It may also threaten the stability of a premarital courtship.

We have fought our Revolution. Many great Americans have sacrificed to preserve our freedoms and cultural integrity. The same can be said for Americans who have embraced honor as they coped with the maturational demands of divorce. These silent Americans do exist. They understand that their familial behaviors have patriotic roots. Honorable patriotism involves an absence of self absorption and a mature preoccupation with the future of one’s culture.

MATURATIONAL GRIEVING ASSISTS WITH SAYING GOODBYE

As we face additional 9/11 anniversaries, many Americans understand the value of having a routine to grieve and honor the lives of lost loved ones and possibly the loss of our innocence in terms of national security. We honor all of those who have served in our military every Memorial Day. Christians annually grieve the loss of Christ during Easter. They grieve His death hoping that His life will open the hearts and minds of individuals who feel entitled to harm others.

All potential brutalizers need to remember that His death was needlessly brutal. Americans who died on 9/11 similarly suffered a needless and brutal demise. It is almost impossible for primitive spouses to consider alternative ways of managing their sorrow and distorted sense of betrayal. This makes it easier for them to act out while disregarding any form of a Christ-like tolerance.

The grieving associated with 9/11 is unique. However, there are many Americans who deal with painful and confusing losses on a daily basis. Most survive without harming others. Potential brutalizers are so self absorbed, they fail to understand that dealing with loss is a daily occurrence for many Americans.

It is difficult to value life if one fails to sincerely understand just how precious and fragile it is. Spouses who harm their children in divorce are incapable of understanding life’s value and fragility. In most cases, going to psychological treatment values life. A large portion of psychotherapy involves the maturational dynamics of grieving. These dynamics help individuals evolve while capturing life’s unique sense of humanity.

There are many individuals who feel comfortable in psychotherapy. They have found a safe place where someone can help them with their intense feelings and troubling thoughts. They grieve through their conflict instead of acting out against others. Treatment, when successful, parallels the maturational humility and empathy commonly found in an Easter service or a moving 9/11 anniversary.

Life pushes individuals to mature through the darkest of times. Some adults and children instinctively know how to do this while others need considerable help. Potential brutalizers, low on humility, empathy and self awareness, need to connect with the painful humanity of others who are suffering. You will always find meaning in suffering which helps individuals recover, find hope and mature.

Sick marriages encourage individuals to salvage them or subsequently embrace the maturational tasks of saying goodbye. Spouses who have spent years coping with a sick marriage understand this maturational principle. They understand the value of their suffering. Many grieve the loss of mature intimacy they never could find in their marriage or other significant relationship. This grief parallels the sorrow of a dying patient who longs for experiences they never had in life.

Maturing helps distressed individuals appreciate the unique and simple gifts that give meaning to their lives. Adults who misuse others in divorce are immune from having to find the symbolism associated with psychological discomfort and suffering. Many will never understand their immunity from maturing in adulthood is a serious reason why their marriage died.

SAYING GOODBYE TO THE ABUSE OF MARRIAGE

An elusive percentage of individuals have knowingly and unknowingly abused the institution of marriage for thousands of years. Today, you may know adults who unknowingly define marriage as a job or career and they never come to terms with why they abuse the institution. These adults usually remain under the radar screen until they face the demands of divorce or until they find another host.

Individuals who abuse marriage are prone to manufacture domestic violence and divorce brutality. Parent-child bonds are minimized or destroyed by parents who repeatedly abuse the institution of marriage. Homosexuals have a long history of abusing marriage as they struggle to hide their identities and avoid the ridicule of others. However, they are not known for manufacturing high levels of divorce brutality when they leave a heterosexual partner.

You will find an elite arrogance among most adults who abuse marriage. In most cases, they have no conscious awareness or shame with regard to how they misuse others. Multiple relationships help them avoid any long term psycho-physiological discomfort commonly associated with adult maturation.

Their malignant opportunism is a form of domestic oppression that over time may become greater than our years of segregation and racism. I refer to this type of interpersonal abuse as our modern lynchings; a form of entitled aggression that is immune from scrutiny and resides beneath all demographics.

How an adult manages their divorce will always say a great deal about their premarital personality. Maturing adults should always be suspicious of premarital motives that are mysterious, elusive, passionate, overly sexual, fearful, diversionary and charismatic. The same dynamics can be found in pre-election campaign rhetoric.

Be suspicious when there are high levels of passionate political rhetoric with questionable or overly appealing content. Quite often, politicians will only give us a glimpse into what they really think and rarely do they discuss the long term consequences of their passionate legislative goals.

Some politicians knowingly and unknowingly mask their career motives just as some adults hide their premarital motives. The passion to get elected may not line up with what a politician will do in office. Many divorced adults are very familiar with this primitive dynamic. We should all be suspicious of individuals who manufacture inappropriately high levels of political as well as premarital passion.

Hitler was passionate. We had overly passionate divisions in our own Civil War. Today, many Americans are familiar with the primitive passions that drive terrorism and the hatred of Western lifestyles, Christians, Jews and people of other faiths. Dan Rather’s journalistic passions finally caught up with him. The main point to remember is that marriage is just one of many institutions that is likely to be abused by individuals with ulterior motives.

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Christ was worried about individuals lacking knowledge. The behavioral sciences have made significant contributions with regard to what is normal and abnormal in relationships. Today, we need to worry about knowledge and how it is either avoided or misused.

Over the years, I have listened to a variety of speakers across all disciplines when topics of human nature and religion are discussed. I recall one interesting sermon where the speaker stated that it was time for God to be introduced into marriage. The sermon was good. There was a large audience that appeared to represent a fairly good cross section of America. However, I recall feeling somewhat empty when the sermon was over.

I was hoping the speaker would say that it is also time to bring God into divorce. This psychological avoidance may parallel the avoidance found in parenting where authority figures simply do not understand cause and effect relationships. They fear that addressing difficult topics will encourage others to embrace them.

After reading this book, you may be more alert when you hear, “People are this way” or “Men do this.” It is important to remember our own primitive cultural naiveté when we said, “Blacks are this way” or “Women can’t do this.” Be cautious of others who embrace demographic limitations when they talk about relationships and life.

RELEVANCE FOR THE READER

Just as family medical guides have helped individuals with challenging curiosities, this book may serve a parallel purpose when family members struggle with recurring transitional demands in life and relationships. With regard to individuals seeking treatment, this book reduces the knowledge gap between what clients and practitioners know in terms of personality and how it shapes lives.

There is value for individuals entering health professions, intelligence agencies, journalism, law, business management, etc. Organizations concerned with the emergence of antisocial behavior associated with the stress of a dying relationship may find this book helpful. We should never underestimate the value of early detection, expeditious referral and normalizing mental health treatment.

By not understanding the comprehensive dynamics of personality, we tend to assume that everyone has the potential to manage the cumulative stress and anxiety associated with dying relationships. Since readers are drawn to re-reading chapters they deem relevant, I have repeated examples and principles in order to increase their comprehensive nature.

The maladaptive dynamics you find in divorce also challenge the health of other relationships. These universal tensions are clearly illustrated in Chapter 8, Types of Divorce - Types of Personality. In this chapter, I introduce my model of personality that demystifies interpersonal conflict. It illustrates why adults vary in terms of what they need in relationships and how they perceive reality. In subsequent chapters, this model clarifies variations and misconceptions regarding trust, self esteem, intimacy, dissent, procrastination, grief and racism.

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