CHAPTER 3: STRUGGLES IN & OUTSIDE OF DIVORCE
In free cultures, individuals may find more opportunity to fictionalize
their own character and misinterpret the health of their marriage
or the character of their spouse. Homosexuals who marry straight
adults are free to disguise their premarital motives. Similar dynamics,
in terms of personality, are found within straight relationships
when adults disguise or hide their premarital motives.
In free cultures, you may find more competition between adaptive
and maladaptive personality since naïve adults have more opportunity
to evolve. These motives compete with those who embrace their freedom
to psychologically seduce others with questionable advertising,
political rhetoric, journalism, premarital coercion, charisma, etc.
In terms of dark personality, efforts to capture minds in our country
are quite similar to those found within oppressive regimes in other
Maturing adults are preoccupied with increasing the accuracy associated
with why they need relationships. This drive forces adults to examine
their true relational needs as well as those of a partner. Spouses,
partners, business associates and others start competing in terms
of their accuracy regarding relational or economic well-being. Adults
prone to misdefining the integrity of their social relationships
may be quite limited in terms of finding adaptive or self corrective
The misunderstood competition between maturing/adaptive and non-maturing/
maladaptive personality is one reason adults may be married for
years and never really understand their spouse. The competition
between adaptive and maladaptive personality is frequently misdefined
as gender differences.
Similar dynamics are found among maturing young adults who finally
accept the maladaptive personalities of their parents, bosses, etc.
This acceptance does not mean that adult sons or daughters stop
loving their parents. It implies they have grieved the losses and
obstacles created by their personalities. Individuals and parents
who needlessly impose their active or passive will upon others are
likely to favorably misdefine their own personality.
When studying human nature, you cannot divide humans and invent
a certain psychology for each group. This principle is easier to
understand in terms of biology. All humans have a common genetic
genome. Even though humans are very diverse in terms of their surface
psychological traits; they all have a common core psychology where
you find varying types of personality.
Adults who assassinate the character of a departing partner will
likely over involve their children in their maladaptive struggles.
This needless parenting may limit a child’s ability to determine
what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships. Children are commonly
manipulated and misinformed by parents who aggressively oppose being
divorced or by those who married knowing they would leave when their
time was right.
Misusing children in divorce is regretfully too commonplace; yet
you can never find a parent who will be honest about these self
serving motives. Misusing family members in divorce is an underground
psychology quite similar to generations of actively or passively
supporting segregation. Spouses who aggressively oppose being divorced
find it difficult to withdraw from their entitled dependencies.
Entitled relationships with children shaped by parental narcissism,
antisocial instincts and dependency are found in both marriage and
divorce. Adults, who disregard the self serving and negative consequences
of their parenting, fail to understand their contributions to social
As our population grows, the number of children affected by hostile
divorces and domestic violence will also grow. Children have enough
tasks to conquer without being drawn into the interpersonal conflicts
of their parents. Difficult divorces are costly in terms of social
services and limiting the maturational potential of younger Americans.
Difficult to treat behavioral and mood disorders among children
are usually affected by parents with maladaptive personalities and
Many years were spent avoiding the underground psychology that
segregation in our country. We will most likely spend years avoiding
the evils of divorce brutality and domestic violence. A great deal
of time, money and human resources are spent because some adults
have a private right to harm others when relationships end. Children
are susceptible in terms of normalizing the narcissistic, antisocial
and dependent behavior of their parents. Parents evading accountability
and empathy in divorce are modeling maladaptive personality.
SELF & OTHER EXAMINATION
When working with divorced clients, you often hear, “Why
didn’t I have the courage and information to figure this out
earlier?” This can be a highly therapeutic inquiry. The client
may now want to take a deeper look at themselves as well as the
personality of their ex-spouse. Maturing adults usually find it
very difficult to accept the fact they spent so many years with
someone who cared so little about how they managed their marriage,
divorce or parenting.
Self and other examination are integral parts of maturing in adulthood.
Adults who mature have to manage their own fears and misinformation
as well as those created by their partner. Maturing involves accepting
interpersonal truths related to marital health. In other words,
there is a painful and frightening maturational task associated
with being honest about the health of one’s relationships.
Adults who fail to mature always discount the role of their personality
in terms of shaping relational health.
Within each generation and every zip code, high levels of relational
conflict surface as one person accepts the death of their relationship
while their partner or parent remains self servingly clueless. Not
knowing why a relationship is failing will always increase one’s
odds of creating more confusion, chaos and blame.
Well intended spouses in chaotic or misunderstood relationships
need tangible information regarding personality that helps them
validate their maturational instincts. Objective information regarding
interpersonal conflict also helps adults gain some immunity from
being brainwashed by their partner. In treatment, you often hear
clients say, “I wish I had the tools to understand these problems
Adults who senselessly harm or misuse others do not value psychological
treatment. They abhor the notion that someone could possibly mature
and leave them. Treatment and maturation are usually belittled by
potential brutalizers. Treatment threatens how they self servingly
define family values and how life should be lived. Discounting or
assassinating the contributions of psychological treatment is an
indirect expression of maturational resistance.
Aggressively opposing divorce is a form of elite control that helps
adults avoid accepting the end of their relationship. Adults with
malignant ulterior motives cannot control events associated with
having to accept the death of a child or a life threatening diagnosis.
We tend to underestimate the link between ulterior motives and the
powerful need to control people, events and information with questionable
Many individuals entering psychological care are finding domestic
courage associated with their adaptive potential. It may be the
first time they begin to seriously examine the health of their marriage
beyond their own subjective distortions or those of a spouse. Accurately
defining failure is always the first step in either repairing or
ending a relationship. For years, many naïve adults underestimated
or feared the role of failure in terms of increasing their adaptive
Recovering from painfully complicated relationships encourages
individuals to become acquainted with the darker sides of personality.
The darker the personality, the more difficult it is to understand.
The domestic courage associated with recovery may require a psychological
discipline similar to the type embraced while studying what happened
to the shuttle Columbia or painstakingly going through the rubble
at the WTC complex. You will find some very courageous individuals
in psychological treatment who are preoccupied with personality
and its contributions to both relational failure and adaptive potential.
Avoiding accountability in relationships complicates restoring
or ending relationships. Adults who fail to consider the liabilities
associated with their own personality will commonly displace failure
upon their spouse who is leaving. Brutalizers who displace failure
upon their divorcing partner will often claim that he or she is
a failure as a parent.
Displacing fictional failure upon a spouse is an attempt to oppress
their adaptive potential as well as demean their family values.
This form of character assassination increases the immunity of adults
who dismiss their responsibility regarding how they have managed
their marital failure and divorce.